Sleeping

I slept all day yesterday after getting up at 415. I got up at 545 this morning but feel real good I am not tired and do not feel like sleeping at all. The news is on and I am not paying any attention to it. It is just back ground noise for my voices to go away. I really hate having to listen to them but sometimes they come to the foreground and drive me crazy. The schizoaffective diagnoses is hard to live with at times but I have been living with it for the past 10 years and there are times that I feel like coming off my meds but I know that I can't do that. When I think that I am done with my meds that is when I start to listen to the voices and they are not kind to me. I really think that the voices want me dead and I do not want to die. I like living and find that it is nice to be in touch with myself.

There are time that the meds stop working as they should and then I need a change but I hate to change them even though the voices get worse and I start to think that the world is out to get me. I find that the thought of Gods people trying to find and kill me comes out and that there are snipers in the trees across the street waiting for me to go outside. I had that problem a couple of weeks ago. I would not let the cats look out the window do to the fact that I was afraid that the snipers would shoot me. I smoke out side and every time that I went out there I would start to shake so bad that I would put out my smoke and come back in. Although I never once thought to quit smoking.

The wife found this website that is for people with my problems and the spouse of those people. I like the place. Like minded people talking about their problems with people with the same problems. I was reading some of their posts and they say that caffeine is bad for those of us with mental illnesses. So I have decided to quit drinking coffee after this tub is gone and to quit smoking after this carton is gone. I feel good about my decision about it.

Sleep

Everyone needs sleep but it seems that the only sleep that I can get is inturupted sleep. I went to bed last night at 3 in the morning then got up at 7 in the morning. Allthough I can say that I did sleep for those four hours that I was asleep. I think that my mind is depressed and that I am thinking to much. When that happens I start to have problems then the voices start up again. then on to the seeing things again. Or I start thinking that there are things going on that are not really going on right now I just hear the voices and think that my wife wants me to leave but does not know how to tell me.

Helping out

I went to work with the wife and cleaned up her kitchen and bathroom. I used to think that men where snobbish pigs but now I know that it is really women. I do not think that they had cleaned up in over 2 years. I found things in the fridge that where almost that old. They had a tomato that the wife called an orange. It had changed color and started to grow mold on it. I Started arguments with the wife and said things that I did not mean but I was being a total ass yesterday and I do not know why I was not feeling like myself and I think that is why but that would not explain why I do things all the time to annoy her. I find that I annoy her all the time but she stays with me. I do not know why she puts up with me and does not kick me out of her life. I need to stop doing it but I can not do it. I do not know that I am doing it until she tells me and then it gets worse.

Childhood

I had a messed up childhood. I think that is one of the reasons that I am like this today. Over the weekend I had some disturbing news that set off the voices. And yesterday I also heard some very disturbing news. I want to know what is wrong with people these days where they think that they can get away with those kind of things. I find that it put me into a depression and then my voices seemed to start telling me to do very bad things. I know that I should not dwell on them but they run along the lines of what happened to me as a child. When I hear it I start to relive my own experience and I need to do something to relieve the problems that it causes. When I started this blog I was going to try and write about these time but I was afraid to. but now I know that I might be able to help myself get out of the vicious cycle that it brings on.

Problems

Well for the past 10 years I have been diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder. I found the what Michael David Crawford wrote @ http://www.geometricvisions.com/schizoaffective-disorder/ was very helpful in stating the fact that I too suffer from the diagnoses and have for the past 10 years. I feel like it has been longer but I only sought help for it 10 years ago and here is where I will post some of my problems to help others and maybe others yet still find help to understand that they are not alone. it seems that we are all alone but yet we are truly one of God's creatures we just happen to be different then what society has said is normal. Maybe those that do not understand that we have a mental disorder then maybe he can learn to live peacefully with those of us that have them.

Let me start out saying that for the past 3 weeks the voices that are not there but seem so real to me have been telling me to make my loving wife leave me and that she would be better off without me. Then things in my life have gone horribly wrong and that there is no way to lift myself out of it. But the wife and I sat down and had a long talk about some of my problems then the voices seem to have subsided. It helps to have a therapist with you when there are problems going on in your life that you seem to think are getting you down and out or have the habit of starting the voices in the little soft voices to tell us that what we are hearing are real and the fear that we are feeling are real and that we need to self preserve.

I had things said to me that I do not want to do but sometimes it seems that if I do them that the voices will go away. We all have that inner voice that we run our ideas off of but the voices are outside my head and do different things and get the visions to start where I see things that only I can see but it to is on the outside of my head.

Socks

Well I started making socks for dad about the begining of the month. And I finished them last night. The wife says that they are itchy, but I put them on and they were not. The wife thinks that it is cool that I did it at the same time. I got a 40 inch circlar knitting needle and some wool-ease from lion brand to make the socks on the needle it was fun and it was done at the same time it took about a week and a half to do it. I had to frog the project 1 times half way though due to the fact that I could not keep a knit 3 purl 1 pattern. i was trying it out with the child sock at first to see if I could do it and when I found out that I could I started on dads socks two and a weeks ago. so here is the picture of the finished projocts

Still smoking

Still smoking and feeling depressed about it. I do not know what is wrong with me and why I can not quit smoking. Well I am making a nice present for my mom for Christmas do not know what to get her for mothers day which happens to be on the 8th of May this year. What I wanted to get her will not be ready by then, so I am going to have to think of something else. Well I need a 40 inch circular needle to do two socks at the same time, which I have a book to teach me how to do. I thought that a 29 inch circular needle was needed but I was wrong that's what I get for thinking. Well Went on vacation on the 12th of March and been back since the 19th of March.

Just have not thought of anything I could blog about. I had a great time, we rode on the Disney Magic boat and went to St Maartin, St Tomas, and Cast Away Cay. My poor wife got sea sick the first two nights out and then when I bought the sea bands she started to feel a lot better. I seem to have stuffed myself every chance I got, which was so often that I did not go hungry. I did not need a mid-night snack like I do when I am at home. I was supposed to wright in a journal every day but gave up on that idea very quickly do to the fact of all the fun food ,that I forgot was called that same day, to eat. I sat in the smoking section much of the time and talked with a few people. There was a coffee/tea bar that was for 18 years or older and an adult swimming pool, the kids had there own places to be so I did not happen to see too many of them, although much of the place was taken by families.

I think some days that it would be nice to have some kids but the way this world is going I just do not think I want to raise a child in the wacky world that we live in. Just thinking of children in the middle eastern countries trying to get out from under dictators and rumors of wars to come and our own country not able to hold its head high and proud any where in the world because the rest of the world looks down on us is wrong. I was in the military we were called every time some one was doing something bad in the world. So why is it that every time some thing comes up we have to be the one to got our heads out of the fox hole. Why can not France or some one else do it. Poor Japan had that Tsunami the day before we left and they are still digging out I have not heard that anyone has gone out to help them but the Americans, sure send money but not people. I will get down now.