My dilemma

I have several projects either on the needles or hook. I have some striped socks, a hat, a king size blanket, a baby blanket, and I think a sweater. Those are just the ones that I can remember Lord only knows what else I have stashed away in my craft room, which needs to be cleaned. I need to finish all of them but the sweater, that one I am going to rip out and use the yarn for another project. The striped socks are made with self stripping sock yarn which is really thin and I have 72 stitches per sock. Although it is being done on one needle 2 at a time. The king size blanket is being done on a afghan hook that is 22 inches long, with the afghan stitch. You crochet one stitch off till you get to the end then you crochet one stitch back on back to the other end. It will be very snugly warm. But I don't think that it will be done by winter if I don't work on it.

I do not want to work on it. It takes forever to do and has a lot of stitches to it. The baby blanket is in the closet and that one was forgotten about because I do not know anyone that is having a baby. I have some more skeins of yarn I want to put on it. But I am not worried about it. then the hat is an ear flap, fair isle done with lion brand wool ease and fisherman wool 2 yarns held together. I made just the basic hat (no pattern) for my dad. That hat was fun and fast. I also remembered about this latch hook rug that I am doing that I want to get done. It is a picture of 2 fishermen at sunset on a lake. I want it done for my room which is going to be done in outdoorsy stuff. I need to get into my new room and finish it.

I have to take everything out and put down the pill and stick tile. If that works in that room then the wife wants to do it in other rooms. I want to get it done but I do not have the manpower to do it. I am only one person, I can not do it alone. When the room is done I am going to use it for my project room where I will keep all my stuff for sewing, knitting, crochet, latch hooking, and needle stitch. Which reminds me of the needle stitch projects I have there are three of them. I also have a quilt project that needs to get done for my mom, but like I said there is no room to get into the craft room to sew.

Sleeping

I slept all day yesterday after getting up at 415. I got up at 545 this morning but feel real good I am not tired and do not feel like sleeping at all. The news is on and I am not paying any attention to it. It is just back ground noise for my voices to go away. I really hate having to listen to them but sometimes they come to the foreground and drive me crazy. The schizoaffective diagnoses is hard to live with at times but I have been living with it for the past 10 years and there are times that I feel like coming off my meds but I know that I can't do that. When I think that I am done with my meds that is when I start to listen to the voices and they are not kind to me. I really think that the voices want me dead and I do not want to die. I like living and find that it is nice to be in touch with myself.

There are time that the meds stop working as they should and then I need a change but I hate to change them even though the voices get worse and I start to think that the world is out to get me. I find that the thought of Gods people trying to find and kill me comes out and that there are snipers in the trees across the street waiting for me to go outside. I had that problem a couple of weeks ago. I would not let the cats look out the window do to the fact that I was afraid that the snipers would shoot me. I smoke out side and every time that I went out there I would start to shake so bad that I would put out my smoke and come back in. Although I never once thought to quit smoking.

The wife found this website that is for people with my problems and the spouse of those people. I like the place. Like minded people talking about their problems with people with the same problems. I was reading some of their posts and they say that caffeine is bad for those of us with mental illnesses. So I have decided to quit drinking coffee after this tub is gone and to quit smoking after this carton is gone. I feel good about my decision about it.

Sleep

Everyone needs sleep but it seems that the only sleep that I can get is inturupted sleep. I went to bed last night at 3 in the morning then got up at 7 in the morning. Allthough I can say that I did sleep for those four hours that I was asleep. I think that my mind is depressed and that I am thinking to much. When that happens I start to have problems then the voices start up again. then on to the seeing things again. Or I start thinking that there are things going on that are not really going on right now I just hear the voices and think that my wife wants me to leave but does not know how to tell me.

Helping out

I went to work with the wife and cleaned up her kitchen and bathroom. I used to think that men where snobbish pigs but now I know that it is really women. I do not think that they had cleaned up in over 2 years. I found things in the fridge that where almost that old. They had a tomato that the wife called an orange. It had changed color and started to grow mold on it. I Started arguments with the wife and said things that I did not mean but I was being a total ass yesterday and I do not know why I was not feeling like myself and I think that is why but that would not explain why I do things all the time to annoy her. I find that I annoy her all the time but she stays with me. I do not know why she puts up with me and does not kick me out of her life. I need to stop doing it but I can not do it. I do not know that I am doing it until she tells me and then it gets worse.

Childhood

I had a messed up childhood. I think that is one of the reasons that I am like this today. Over the weekend I had some disturbing news that set off the voices. And yesterday I also heard some very disturbing news. I want to know what is wrong with people these days where they think that they can get away with those kind of things. I find that it put me into a depression and then my voices seemed to start telling me to do very bad things. I know that I should not dwell on them but they run along the lines of what happened to me as a child. When I hear it I start to relive my own experience and I need to do something to relieve the problems that it causes. When I started this blog I was going to try and write about these time but I was afraid to. but now I know that I might be able to help myself get out of the vicious cycle that it brings on.

Problems

Well for the past 10 years I have been diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder. I found the what Michael David Crawford wrote @ http://www.geometricvisions.com/schizoaffective-disorder/ was very helpful in stating the fact that I too suffer from the diagnoses and have for the past 10 years. I feel like it has been longer but I only sought help for it 10 years ago and here is where I will post some of my problems to help others and maybe others yet still find help to understand that they are not alone. it seems that we are all alone but yet we are truly one of God's creatures we just happen to be different then what society has said is normal. Maybe those that do not understand that we have a mental disorder then maybe he can learn to live peacefully with those of us that have them.

Let me start out saying that for the past 3 weeks the voices that are not there but seem so real to me have been telling me to make my loving wife leave me and that she would be better off without me. Then things in my life have gone horribly wrong and that there is no way to lift myself out of it. But the wife and I sat down and had a long talk about some of my problems then the voices seem to have subsided. It helps to have a therapist with you when there are problems going on in your life that you seem to think are getting you down and out or have the habit of starting the voices in the little soft voices to tell us that what we are hearing are real and the fear that we are feeling are real and that we need to self preserve.

I had things said to me that I do not want to do but sometimes it seems that if I do them that the voices will go away. We all have that inner voice that we run our ideas off of but the voices are outside my head and do different things and get the visions to start where I see things that only I can see but it to is on the outside of my head.

Socks

Well I started making socks for dad about the begining of the month. And I finished them last night. The wife says that they are itchy, but I put them on and they were not. The wife thinks that it is cool that I did it at the same time. I got a 40 inch circlar knitting needle and some wool-ease from lion brand to make the socks on the needle it was fun and it was done at the same time it took about a week and a half to do it. I had to frog the project 1 times half way though due to the fact that I could not keep a knit 3 purl 1 pattern. i was trying it out with the child sock at first to see if I could do it and when I found out that I could I started on dads socks two and a weeks ago. so here is the picture of the finished projocts