New Part

Well we ordered that part I need for the riding mower. That way I can get the yard mowed down to a manageable length. The grass is so high in places that it needs to be mowed twice. I will have to push mow the part that has tree limbs on the ground. I need to pick up the limbs but can't find them in the tall grass. I am working on this project for m-i-l that I will post pictures of it after I give it to her. It's really a neat project to do with different stitches that I have never done.

Had to run to a bunch of stores, it was nice to get out of the house. Although I have to worry about the dog being alone all couped up in her room for the couple of hours that we were away. She has been very good about not using the bathroom in the house so that's good. I hope she keeps it that way. I have to finish that room and I do not want a mess on the unfinished floor. I like to think that she knows better then use the bathroom in the house, but every time I take her out she does not use the bathroom. So that has me worried.

We went to Walgreen's where we rented "Rango" and got some razors for me. I guess that the wife wants me to start shaving again. Then we went to CVS and cot some shampoo. Then it was off to BJ to do some grocery shopping. I watched "Rango" and thought that it was a good movie.

Mowing

Well I mowed 1/3 of the backyard yesterday and feel good about it. I find that if I do something productive that I do not feel down upon myself, and I have good thoughts and actions. I hope that it does not rain this morning although I have been up since 0415 and I am wanting to go back to bed. I know that I have to stay up to get out early to mow down the backyard. It takes so long because I have to mow a few feet then back up then go forward again for a few more feet. I have to get the grass mowed down to get m-i-l and m-i-lc out to help cut down the dead trees that are in the backyard. When we get them cut down I will have a lot of firewood to burn for awhile. It will be good to have the backyard burn pile mowed down to where I can burn the tree limbs that I have already there.

I did not do a garden this year. My plot is over run by weeds and needs to be redone. I want to grow carrots and lettuce next winter, so I can feed the rabbit fresh food. I stopped making that blanket and socks so I can start on Christmas and birthday presents. The wife found this pattern for something for m-i-l that was supposed to be on the Michael's website, but she found it on the yarns website. When I started it I did not think that it was looking like the patterns picture, so I tried some other way. It still did not look right, so I started to do it like the pattern said to do it and this time I got about 14 rows and it is starting to look like the picture in the pattern. I have been looking up patterns on the Internet for awhile when the wife said to get started on Christmas and birthday presents.

I have found a lot of patterns and been putting them on my flash drive so I can have them all the time and will not have to look them up again. I find that I like the adobe reader to download the pattern that way it looks professional, and I do not have to be on the Internet to see the picture of the project. I have to figure out what I am making for my parents and m-i-lc and s-i-l. I already have a gift for my sister. I still have to send the father's day gift out to dad, so I can find out if those socks fit. That way I can make him more for Christmas and I need to make him some more hats. I don't think he loses his hats. That way he can get enough to wear for each day of the winter, but he says that he lost them in the last 2 moves that they have had. I like to knit hats that way I can try different patterns and put different looks to them. I would like to do a fair isle hat that would fit me.

Then I would know that it would fit him. I need to knit up one that has a two sides to it. I might put a picture in it to make it his. The last one that I tried to do like that I screwed up the way that the words would look. Mom likes booties so i have to make her a few of them and I found this pattern that I like so I might make that for her too. I got a couple of strips done and then it started to rain.

Started the mowing with the sun full on in the spot that I wanted to mow down to have a strip that I can turn the mower around in. When I got too hot to do it anymore for a while. That is when I came in and took a nap on the couch, did not want to but did. Then when I woke up the rain was getting ready to fall, so I put up the lawnmower. When I got it put in the shed the rain came down.

Doctor

Well I have a doctor appointment this morning at 1030 and another at 1300 so will be gone from the house all day do to the fact that the transmission in the truck is going out and I have to go to work with the wife to get to the doctors. I do not remember most of the problems I have been having because I talk with these people on this group discussion and here to get it off my chest so it will not bother me. So I do not know what I will talk to him about I will have to read my posts over to get a feeling of what it is I want to discuss with him.

I will not be able to mow unless the rain comes early and leaves before I get home. That way I can do the yard for another 45 minutes. Maybe by next week I will be up to an hour of mowing. That would be great. I saw an armadillo this morning he was over by the van then he came to the porch and to my side where I smoke. I heard it digging up the ground for bugs. I thought it was cool that I have an armadillo. Just another animal that I have to worry about giving my animals rabies. I am not sure if armadillos have rabies but I worry about my cats that live around the yard, and the other cats in the neighborhood. I think the other day when the wife got out of the van to help this snake that I thought was a cotton mouth might have been really a python. Now I have to worry about those getting out and eating the cats at least the dog is to big to be eaten. There are just to much to worry about with the cats. They are small and can not take care of themselves with the other types of animals that I have been seeing around the neighborhood. 2 raccoons 1 armadillo, and some opossums.

I like the cats they do not bother me to much I do have my favorites. I have one that runs in and out of the house it seems that every time that I go out to smoke he runs out or in then when I come in it is the opposite. He is crazy he is a small cat but takes on the bigger cats and makes them back off. I worry that he will try and take on one of the raccoons. Then he will not last long. I Have 2 that live in the bedroom that I like, one we picked up when we lived in Louisiana. The other one came from the wife work. I do worry that the dog is going to die soon she is 11 years old, that is old for a mastiff and I also worry that she will try and tangle with one of the raccoons.

I also worry that there are poisonous snakes in the yard. I do not worry about the cats too much but I do worry about the dog she could be bitten and then it will not be long for her. I can not get out to mow the grass as often as I would like. So the grass is knee high, and I know that snakes like that. I worry about the birds getting killed by the cats I tried to keep the grass down for them but when the rider broke and when I needed to buy a new starter that is when the grass got that high.

Wet grass

Well the grass is still to wet to mow and I think I am hearing thunder outside. So I might not get to mow the grass again today. I need to finish up with the knee high grass and start over where I began or the grass will be knee high again. Well it never rained so I should be able to get out in the morning to mow and tonight is my quit smoking night I am going to throw away all my left over smokes get rid of the ashtrays and find something else for my mind to do in the morning when I want a smoke do to coffee cooling.

Rain

Well mowing the grass has been scrubbed for this morning do to rain. It started about 1600 last night, been raining ever since. It's light rain but the grass is to wet to mow it so I will have to do inside chores and they really need to be done. Have not felt like doing anything since i quit drinking coffee. Day 3 and I do not think that I will make it to 30 day's no coffee. I really miss the taste and the warmth of it. I need to get past this sleeping all the time I wonder if it is from not having coffee or if I am just blaming it over my laziness. Well I finally broke down and bought some coffee and had four cups today now I can not sleep.

Cable

Well I ran over the dish cable on Tuesday. I had to call for them to come out and fix it. He came out yesterday and took him like 5 minutes to do. He buried the line after that right up to the house. So I was out of TV for the night. It sucked because the Casey Anthony verdict came back right after I did it. So I called the wife and she told me what it was, not-guilty.I can not believe that, I thought she was guilty of murdering her child. I'm glad that it is over, all we have left is the sentencing for the lies she told to the police. The news people are saying that she will get time served.

We will probably never get away from this stupid story of Casey Anthony, the news people are saying that she will be a millionaire when she gets out for everyone wants to interview her and there are even people out there that are wanting to put her in their movies. I'll grant you that it is adult film industry but still they want her. I can not understand it, I don't think she is that cute but what can you say about the adult film industry's taste in people.

Mowing

I am mowing the front yard 30 minutes at a time. I got from the side of the house to the other side of the steps in that time. It's about time to go back out and do another 30 minutes. Right now I am watching the Casey Anthony trial. I can not wait until the jury comes back with a verdict of guilty or not-guilty then at least the trial will be over and we can get back to some decent news coverage. I made water and got it in the fridge and then made a cup of coffee. I am drinking the coffee now. Waiting to cool off from the 30 minute mowing. I am going to try and get most of the yard done today so I can lower the wheels on the lawn mower and start over next Monday.

I am going to try and mow my grass for an hour and a half to 2 hours a day until it gets done for the week. I just have to get into shape, so I do not have to stop so often to let my hurting body and sweat to get better. I am sure that if I could get to mow the yard for 2 hours that I could get half of the yard done in a day and then I would get more time to do my knitting. But sadly I am really out of shape and have the desire to quit smoking. I still can't bring myself to throw away money that I spent on the cigars, so it still waiting until I have smoked most of them. The wife told me last night that she did not want to hear that I am going to quit, but that I have been quit for a month.

I am about ready to go back out and get started on the second half of the front yard. I am going to mow up to the auto's then move them, and take another break where I will write some more. It is noon so see you in 30. Well it took 15 minutes to get to the cars then I moved them and pulled off the vines that seem to be growing all over the house and picked up the garbage in the yard. It looks like I will be only able to mow in the sun 15 minutes at a time do to the fact that it is just to hot to do it any longer.

4th of July

Well just got back from m-i-l house and had a good time. I did not stuff myself and only had 5 of those German beers all day. I feel good about being home finally, watched some of the fireworks then the smell started to get to me. The wife had a headache that sucked, m-i-l had an ear ache that also sucked they did not have as much fun as they could have. I think I messed up on my hat but will not tell until I have it finished.

4th of July celebrations

The wife and I are going to m-i-l house for the 4th of July celebrations. There will be fireworks, drinks, and food. The food is Mexican food but that's alright it's going to be fun. The wife bought me some German beer for the party, it's that or Budweiser for beer. The wife made some lemonade with melon and vodka for the women's drink. I am going to knit during the daylight and then watch the fireworks that m-i-lc shoots off during the night time. I think it will be sometime after 2030 tonight for that is when the sun will go down. I can't wait for the festivities. The problem with it all is that its American celebration for independence that has German and Mexican food and drinks. But it will be a lot of fun to be away from the house.

I got a new lawnmower yesterday, it's a push mower but that is OK for that is what I wanted do to the fact that it will help me lose my weight and get into shape. I used it yesterday and found out that I am really out of shape and can not breath. So I really need to quit smoking and do some exercise. There for the push mower, I know that it is going to be rough doing a 1.4 acre yard with a push mower. I have that figured out do .25 of the yard every day until the yard is done for the week then start over the next week. It should not take long to get into shape.

My dilemma

I have several projects either on the needles or hook. I have some striped socks, a hat, a king size blanket, a baby blanket, and I think a sweater. Those are just the ones that I can remember Lord only knows what else I have stashed away in my craft room, which needs to be cleaned. I need to finish all of them but the sweater, that one I am going to rip out and use the yarn for another project. The striped socks are made with self stripping sock yarn which is really thin and I have 72 stitches per sock. Although it is being done on one needle 2 at a time. The king size blanket is being done on a afghan hook that is 22 inches long, with the afghan stitch. You crochet one stitch off till you get to the end then you crochet one stitch back on back to the other end. It will be very snugly warm. But I don't think that it will be done by winter if I don't work on it.

I do not want to work on it. It takes forever to do and has a lot of stitches to it. The baby blanket is in the closet and that one was forgotten about because I do not know anyone that is having a baby. I have some more skeins of yarn I want to put on it. But I am not worried about it. then the hat is an ear flap, fair isle done with lion brand wool ease and fisherman wool 2 yarns held together. I made just the basic hat (no pattern) for my dad. That hat was fun and fast. I also remembered about this latch hook rug that I am doing that I want to get done. It is a picture of 2 fishermen at sunset on a lake. I want it done for my room which is going to be done in outdoorsy stuff. I need to get into my new room and finish it.

I have to take everything out and put down the pill and stick tile. If that works in that room then the wife wants to do it in other rooms. I want to get it done but I do not have the manpower to do it. I am only one person, I can not do it alone. When the room is done I am going to use it for my project room where I will keep all my stuff for sewing, knitting, crochet, latch hooking, and needle stitch. Which reminds me of the needle stitch projects I have there are three of them. I also have a quilt project that needs to get done for my mom, but like I said there is no room to get into the craft room to sew.

Sleeping

I slept all day yesterday after getting up at 415. I got up at 545 this morning but feel real good I am not tired and do not feel like sleeping at all. The news is on and I am not paying any attention to it. It is just back ground noise for my voices to go away. I really hate having to listen to them but sometimes they come to the foreground and drive me crazy. The schizoaffective diagnoses is hard to live with at times but I have been living with it for the past 10 years and there are times that I feel like coming off my meds but I know that I can't do that. When I think that I am done with my meds that is when I start to listen to the voices and they are not kind to me. I really think that the voices want me dead and I do not want to die. I like living and find that it is nice to be in touch with myself.

There are time that the meds stop working as they should and then I need a change but I hate to change them even though the voices get worse and I start to think that the world is out to get me. I find that the thought of Gods people trying to find and kill me comes out and that there are snipers in the trees across the street waiting for me to go outside. I had that problem a couple of weeks ago. I would not let the cats look out the window do to the fact that I was afraid that the snipers would shoot me. I smoke out side and every time that I went out there I would start to shake so bad that I would put out my smoke and come back in. Although I never once thought to quit smoking.

The wife found this website that is for people with my problems and the spouse of those people. I like the place. Like minded people talking about their problems with people with the same problems. I was reading some of their posts and they say that caffeine is bad for those of us with mental illnesses. So I have decided to quit drinking coffee after this tub is gone and to quit smoking after this carton is gone. I feel good about my decision about it.

Sleep

Everyone needs sleep but it seems that the only sleep that I can get is inturupted sleep. I went to bed last night at 3 in the morning then got up at 7 in the morning. Allthough I can say that I did sleep for those four hours that I was asleep. I think that my mind is depressed and that I am thinking to much. When that happens I start to have problems then the voices start up again. then on to the seeing things again. Or I start thinking that there are things going on that are not really going on right now I just hear the voices and think that my wife wants me to leave but does not know how to tell me.

Helping out

I went to work with the wife and cleaned up her kitchen and bathroom. I used to think that men where snobbish pigs but now I know that it is really women. I do not think that they had cleaned up in over 2 years. I found things in the fridge that where almost that old. They had a tomato that the wife called an orange. It had changed color and started to grow mold on it. I Started arguments with the wife and said things that I did not mean but I was being a total ass yesterday and I do not know why I was not feeling like myself and I think that is why but that would not explain why I do things all the time to annoy her. I find that I annoy her all the time but she stays with me. I do not know why she puts up with me and does not kick me out of her life. I need to stop doing it but I can not do it. I do not know that I am doing it until she tells me and then it gets worse.

Childhood

I had a messed up childhood. I think that is one of the reasons that I am like this today. Over the weekend I had some disturbing news that set off the voices. And yesterday I also heard some very disturbing news. I want to know what is wrong with people these days where they think that they can get away with those kind of things. I find that it put me into a depression and then my voices seemed to start telling me to do very bad things. I know that I should not dwell on them but they run along the lines of what happened to me as a child. When I hear it I start to relive my own experience and I need to do something to relieve the problems that it causes. When I started this blog I was going to try and write about these time but I was afraid to. but now I know that I might be able to help myself get out of the vicious cycle that it brings on.

Problems

Well for the past 10 years I have been diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder. I found the what Michael David Crawford wrote @ http://www.geometricvisions.com/schizoaffective-disorder/ was very helpful in stating the fact that I too suffer from the diagnoses and have for the past 10 years. I feel like it has been longer but I only sought help for it 10 years ago and here is where I will post some of my problems to help others and maybe others yet still find help to understand that they are not alone. it seems that we are all alone but yet we are truly one of God's creatures we just happen to be different then what society has said is normal. Maybe those that do not understand that we have a mental disorder then maybe he can learn to live peacefully with those of us that have them.

Let me start out saying that for the past 3 weeks the voices that are not there but seem so real to me have been telling me to make my loving wife leave me and that she would be better off without me. Then things in my life have gone horribly wrong and that there is no way to lift myself out of it. But the wife and I sat down and had a long talk about some of my problems then the voices seem to have subsided. It helps to have a therapist with you when there are problems going on in your life that you seem to think are getting you down and out or have the habit of starting the voices in the little soft voices to tell us that what we are hearing are real and the fear that we are feeling are real and that we need to self preserve.

I had things said to me that I do not want to do but sometimes it seems that if I do them that the voices will go away. We all have that inner voice that we run our ideas off of but the voices are outside my head and do different things and get the visions to start where I see things that only I can see but it to is on the outside of my head.

Socks

Well I started making socks for dad about the begining of the month. And I finished them last night. The wife says that they are itchy, but I put them on and they were not. The wife thinks that it is cool that I did it at the same time. I got a 40 inch circlar knitting needle and some wool-ease from lion brand to make the socks on the needle it was fun and it was done at the same time it took about a week and a half to do it. I had to frog the project 1 times half way though due to the fact that I could not keep a knit 3 purl 1 pattern. i was trying it out with the child sock at first to see if I could do it and when I found out that I could I started on dads socks two and a weeks ago. so here is the picture of the finished projocts

Still smoking

Still smoking and feeling depressed about it. I do not know what is wrong with me and why I can not quit smoking. Well I am making a nice present for my mom for Christmas do not know what to get her for mothers day which happens to be on the 8th of May this year. What I wanted to get her will not be ready by then, so I am going to have to think of something else. Well I need a 40 inch circular needle to do two socks at the same time, which I have a book to teach me how to do. I thought that a 29 inch circular needle was needed but I was wrong that's what I get for thinking. Well Went on vacation on the 12th of March and been back since the 19th of March.

Just have not thought of anything I could blog about. I had a great time, we rode on the Disney Magic boat and went to St Maartin, St Tomas, and Cast Away Cay. My poor wife got sea sick the first two nights out and then when I bought the sea bands she started to feel a lot better. I seem to have stuffed myself every chance I got, which was so often that I did not go hungry. I did not need a mid-night snack like I do when I am at home. I was supposed to wright in a journal every day but gave up on that idea very quickly do to the fact of all the fun food ,that I forgot was called that same day, to eat. I sat in the smoking section much of the time and talked with a few people. There was a coffee/tea bar that was for 18 years or older and an adult swimming pool, the kids had there own places to be so I did not happen to see too many of them, although much of the place was taken by families.

I think some days that it would be nice to have some kids but the way this world is going I just do not think I want to raise a child in the wacky world that we live in. Just thinking of children in the middle eastern countries trying to get out from under dictators and rumors of wars to come and our own country not able to hold its head high and proud any where in the world because the rest of the world looks down on us is wrong. I was in the military we were called every time some one was doing something bad in the world. So why is it that every time some thing comes up we have to be the one to got our heads out of the fox hole. Why can not France or some one else do it. Poor Japan had that Tsunami the day before we left and they are still digging out I have not heard that anyone has gone out to help them but the Americans, sure send money but not people. I will get down now.

Patterns

Looking up patterns on Lion Bran Yarn. There are over 3000 patterns on there free. Found a new hat for my dad and one for my m-i-l. I can not wait to knit them up for christmas. Sitting at the library looking up things and waiting for my computer to update. Not going to good Been here an hour and only updated 5 things so far. Well 4 things more now and have no idea how long it will take. Well I finally made another blanket for my wife. Here is a picture of it. I just went color after color. Now I am making one for myself with the new hook that I got at hobby lobby. Well me and the wife decided to make this blanket longer and it sits about 1 and a half foot shorter then the bed then I will crochet a border around it too.

Dog Toys

Well we go on a Disney Boat Trip in March, and the wife wanted me to make a dog toy for the fish extender program that we are doing. So here they are. They are for this working dog on the boat. It took me most of the day to do the two of them it was fun but i do not like how they turned out I screwed up on the first one so many time that I lost count and then sewed it together with the outside facing out. The second one I got right all the way around they are cool. I hope that the dog plays with them insted of tears them apart. I do not think that they will hold up to rough play but I do not know.

Disney

Went to Disney on Saturday, first we went to Magic Kingdom and it was full. So we decided to go to Epcot which was also full. They had a fun run going on and it that was why everyone was there. The parking lots were full and we did not want to park in the far back. So we went to downtown Orlando and looked for the Disney store they have in two different outlet malls. We found one and finally got to the other outlet mall about an hour and half later. We never got to go into the second Disney store due to no parking people were parking on the grass. So we left that on and got back to Disney in about a half hour. We went to Epcot it was still full but we got to park up front walking distance to the park. I rode the Captain EO experience. It is an old Michael Jackson show, it was a good video if Michael was not in it. I also rode the Figment ride. Me and the wife like that ride then we did not want to walk around the world but we did any way. We wanted to eat at the outside restaurant at Mexico but the tables were all full, so we ate at the French sandwich shop. Then completed the circle. Got some stale popcorn from Canada, then came home.